How does it feel to be an expat? What is the expat experience? Being an expat is being displaced, away from home, someone brave enough to up and leave and start afresh. But this person is rarely alone. Most expats have spouses and almost half have children, who are also displaced and have to start afresh. The expat’s family does all this without the benefit of a support group in the shape of work colleagues and HR departments.
The success or failure of an expat mission depends not on the size of the new salary, the benefits, status or the great new job title. It depends on the familial experience. Is everyone happy. Is everyone on board? The trailing spouse, the partner who comes along, often giving up their own work or indeed careers, is easily the most important person in the move. Their ability to adjust and build a new life for themselves and their family will dictate the success of the mission.
Think of it this way (and in most cases, it is this way): the husband gets a job overseas, at home the husband and wife are equal, they both work at home and out. All of a sudden, this changes. The husband is now the main breadwinner and the wife is asked to give it all up to follow her partner’s dream. The family is bang in the middle of a brand new country. The husband needs to work hard, to show dedication. The kids go to school. And what about the partner? After you have done all the touristy stuff in a new country, what is left to do but to live? The first few weeks getting a home together, becoming acquainted with shops and cafes will be great, but that soon loses its novelty. Building a life, a network, takes time and much effort.
When the family has children, this can help the trailing spouse to adapt. The school network of other expat parents going through the same thing can be a godsend. I remember when I arrived in Florence how well received I was at my children’s school, where the expat community is thriving. This made all the difference and allowed me to relax into the annoying routines of life, knowing I would have so many friends to commiserate with. We all know Italy is in a league of its own when it comes to bureaucracy and overcomplicating simple things…
Expat life is about adapting everyday. It’s about the old dancing in the rain and making lemonade, when all you want is to go for a coffee with that friend back home and you can’t even call them yet because of the time difference. One of my clients once said that being an expat is like being a toddler. You’re learning everything new and you’re bound to make mistakes, but all of a sudden you see that you’re walking and then running. Your new life has just become life, and you cannot imagine not having gone through this adventure. You’re deeply changed by this experience and love the new person you have become.
