For some people ‘sorry’ is a sour word, too tart to keep inside the mouth, for even a moment. For others, ‘sorry’ is like a cough-drop, slightly menthol-flavored and meant to relieve, not heal. And then there are those for whom it’s not about words at all: ‘sorry’ is a sentiment that lies in the pit of the stomach. And it’s where true digestion begins.
Italians have two ways of saying ‘I’m sorry,’ and both are worth learning quickly, as multicultural living is fraught with misunderstandings and many accidental pushes and shoves. The first form of ‘sorry’ is simple and reassuring, and starts with an ‘s.’ Scusa, or its more formal counterpart scusi, can be used as the quick equivalent of ‘excuse me’ or ‘pardon.’ It’s good after having inadvertently stepped on someone’s toes and when admitting that you’re temporarily hard of hearing. It can also be used for more personal apology, but almost never the tear-jerking, well-explained kind. For those scenarios, the phrase mi dispiace is the country’s more elaborate form of regret. It’s used to explain, justify, seek forgiveness and demonstrate sincerity.
‘I find it interesting that Italians say “I’m displeased” when they mean “I’m sorry”,’ my English friend Alyssa told me last week, during a discussion about her latest lovers’ quarrel. An artist, she has been in the country for six months and still takes words quite literally. ‘With a phrase like that,’ she mused, ‘it’s hard to tell who’s really at fault.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve been in Italy for nearly 20 years and that thought has never once occurred to me.’
She shrugged. ‘I suppose both people are usually at fault in the end.’
‘Anyway, maybe the phrase is more about displeasure than dislike.’
Alyssa nodded and then paused, ‘Do you want to know what I think about loving someone from a different culture?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Some days, I feel like I’m caught in a giant game of Chinese Whispers.’
I smiled. This is by far, the loveliest sentence I’ve heard all week and quite possibly the single most accurate quote I’ve come upon in 10 years. I say this because I’ve had an inkling of it for at least a decade and have never quite summed it up as accurately as Alyssa. She’s got it: that childhood game we used to play at Girl Scouts was actually a lesson in intercultural relationships. I should have paid more attention to the turns each whispered message took on its way through our giggly line of girls in green uniforms. What you think you’re saying is not necessarily what other people hear. This is true not only for words and gestures, but thoughts and actions as well.
‘When Italians suggest you’ve gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick, they say you’ve understood fischi per fiaschi, loosely translated as “taking whistles for wine flasks.” In other words, miss a vowel and you’ve missed the boat entirely,’ I told my friend.
‘I like that.’
‘Yeah, in Italy there are tons of interesting idioms that mean “misconstrue.”‘
We thought about it together. Dreamy folk with a taste for self-created drama are apt to capire lucciole per lanterne-in which case we’re looking at lanterns and thinking they’re fireflies. On much the same note, well-meaning or overly ambitious types who nurture high expectations and come away empty handed, prendono un granchio, ‘catch a crab’ rather than the fat fish they’d first imagined.
My personal favorite is prendere una cantonata. This means to make a blunder, an unnecessary mistake that could have been avoided had one simply interpreted the situation appropriately. When thinking of this expression, I’ve always imagined blindly coming up against a building and running straight into its corner-smack into the angle, face on. Only in preparation for this article did I learn that the expression’s origins refer to a person pushing a cart through narrow city streets. If, in his haste, he midjudges depth and width, the cart’s wheel will bump into the side of a building, which could harm his wares.
I like the ‘running-smack-into-the building’ idea better. Especially for a discussion on lovers’ quarrels.
Apology should be studied in all of its guises, but love is no good unless you come upon it blindly.
